What Can We Do When a Loved One Grieves?

Perhaps you know someone who has just experienced a major loss of some kind, or even more devastating, the loss of a spouse or close family member. It’s an awkward time for the one who is grieving and dealing with the impact of a life changing loss, but also for the ones who deeply desire to be a comfort and help during such a time. We all experience both the good and miserable comforters at some low point in our lives and certainly, we don’t want to be among the miserable comforters! We who love the Lord naturally weep with those who weep and we desire to be a comfort to them. How then, can we best communicate our love to those who are grieving in a way that is helpful and not hurtful? I’d like to share some things I’ve learned over the years, but particularly what I experienced first-hand as a grieving widow a little over three years ago.

First, nothing one can do before a death or loss prepares us for the grief we experience when that loss becomes a reality. (Regardless of whether the death is a shock or something anticipated.) The most important thing we can do if we are the one suffering is really very simple—we need to draw close to the Lord Jesus Christ, the God of all comfort, and learn how to find strength in the pages of His precious Word. But how does this help when we are the comforter who wishes to be a blessing to someone else who is suffering? Here are six practical things you can do. All of them meant the world to me when my heart was breaking, and my world was turned upside down. 

1. Above all, give your love. It’s not hard. How would you show love to this person if they were not suffering? We express love in a variety of ways, depending on our personality—find the ways you naturally communicate your love to those you highly esteem and cherish. What communicates love to you? A smile? A hug? A handwritten note? A fun activity with a friend? Love will find a way to express itself! It won’t avoid the suffering person because you are uncomfortable!
2. Give your presence. You don’t need to say a word. Is she sitting alone in church with her husband now gone? Sit beside her. Is she avoiding the church potluck or the awkwardness of standing in line alone? Ask her to join you at your table. Would she like a walking partner? Walk with her. If you are a close friend or family, just go with her when she needs to go to the social security office, the bank, the funeral home. She may not want or need your input—but your presence will mean a great deal. Continue being the same friend you have always been—just don’t avoid her.
3. Listen, if and when she wants to talk. Listen for the purpose of understanding. Don’t interrupt her or interject your advice.Let her talk about her loved one–if she wants to. Don’t watch the clock. Listening requires you to give of yourself and requires you to love her more than your time. If you want to ask a question, ask her if she is comfortable answering a question. Her emotions are raw and her wounds are deep—do not make the mistake Job’s three miserable friends made and attempt to offer reasons for her suffering or loss or become her instructor. She needs a friend.
4. Care. Put yourself in her place. Be merciful and kind. Forget yourself for a few moments and consider the magnitude of what she is going through. Every day. Acknowledge her loss—do more than just say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Yes, her loved one may be in Heaven enjoying the marvels of being with the Lord—but that does not change the fact that she is feeling a loss and sadness of great proportion. She wants to know you really care—not that you are sorry for her loss. 
5. Pray. Don’t just say you are praying for her. Spend some time really praying for her! Write her a note and tell her what you are praying about. Let her know you are asking the Lord to comfort her heart and give her wisdom and direction. Pray that the Lord will give her joyful memories and grace to meet the coming days of adjustment.
6. Meet a need. Quietly, meet a known need that is within your power to meet. Ask the Lord to show you what you might do. It could be as simple as driving her to an appointment, watering her plants, washing her car, or making a meal. Don’t ask her to call you if “there’s anything you can do for her.” Believe me, she won’t call you. Instead, tell her what you would like to do for her with her permission. Ask her what day and time would be convenient for her. This lets her know you are sincere rather than merely saying something “nice.” Routine daily tasks are hard to focus on when one is grieving and adjusting.  Lift a load if you are able. Does she have children? Could you take them on a fun outing? Even a little help makes a difference. I had been caregiving nonstop for a quite a while before my husband entered Heaven and was immediately overwhelmed with how many things had been put on the “back burner.” I wanted to hug anyone who helped in even small ways. 

It’s a helpless feeling when we feel the sorrow of a friend or loved one with our hearts. It is true that only God can heal a wounded heart. However, while we are powerless to take the sorrow from those we love, we can do much to mitigate the pain during the fragile time of grief by simply sharing the burden with them. Smiles and hugs won’t cost a thing, but they will send a powerful and comforting message, “You are not alone. You are loved.” Nothing acts as a balm for grief like being loved—genuinely. Afterall, it is what God Himself does for His children and what He teaches His children to do for others. 

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  (1 Corinthians 1:3-4)