Perhaps you know someone who has just experienced a major loss of some kind, or even more devastating, the loss of a spouse or close family member. It’s an awkward time for the one who is grieving and dealing with the impact of a life changing loss, but also for the ones who deeply desire to be a comfort and help during such a time. We all experience both the good and miserable comforters at some low point in our lives and certainly, we don’t want to be among the miserable comforters! We who love the Lord naturally weep with those who weep and we desire to be a comfort to them. How then, can we best communicate our love to those who are grieving in a way that is helpful and not hurtful? I’d like to share some things I’ve learned over the years, but particularly what I experienced first-hand as a grieving widow a little over three years ago.

First, nothing one can do before a death or loss prepares us for the grief we experience when that loss becomes a reality. (Regardless of whether the death is a shock or something anticipated.) The most important thing we can do if we are the one suffering is really very simple—we need to draw close to the Lord Jesus Christ, the God of all comfort, and learn how to find strength in the pages of His precious Word. But how does this help when we are the comforter who wishes to be a blessing to someone else who is suffering? Here are six practical things you can do. All of them meant the world to me when my heart was breaking, and my world was turned upside down. 

1. Above all, give your love. It’s not hard. How would you show love to this person if they were not suffering? We express love in a variety of ways, depending on our personality—find the ways you naturally communicate your love to those you highly esteem and cherish. What communicates love to you? A smile? A hug? A handwritten note? A fun activity with a friend? Love will find a way to express itself! It won’t avoid the suffering person because you are uncomfortable!
2. Give your presence. You don’t need to say a word. Is she sitting alone in church with her husband now gone? Sit beside her. Is she avoiding the church potluck or the awkwardness of standing in line alone? Ask her to join you at your table. Would she like a walking partner? Walk with her. If you are a close friend or family, just go with her when she needs to go to the social security office, the bank, the funeral home. She may not want or need your input—but your presence will mean a great deal. Continue being the same friend you have always been—just don’t avoid her.
3. Listen, if and when she wants to talk. Listen for the purpose of understanding. Don’t interrupt her or interject your advice.Let her talk about her loved one–if she wants to. Don’t watch the clock. Listening requires you to give of yourself and requires you to love her more than your time. If you want to ask a question, ask her if she is comfortable answering a question. Her emotions are raw and her wounds are deep—do not make the mistake Job’s three miserable friends made and attempt to offer reasons for her suffering or loss or become her instructor. She needs a friend.
4. Care. Put yourself in her place. Be merciful and kind. Forget yourself for a few moments and consider the magnitude of what she is going through. Every day. Acknowledge her loss—do more than just say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Yes, her loved one may be in Heaven enjoying the marvels of being with the Lord—but that does not change the fact that she is feeling a loss and sadness of great proportion. She wants to know you really care—not that you are sorry for her loss. 
5. Pray. Don’t just say you are praying for her. Spend some time really praying for her! Write her a note and tell her what you are praying about. Let her know you are asking the Lord to comfort her heart and give her wisdom and direction. Pray that the Lord will give her joyful memories and grace to meet the coming days of adjustment.
6. Meet a need. Quietly, meet a known need that is within your power to meet. Ask the Lord to show you what you might do. It could be as simple as driving her to an appointment, watering her plants, washing her car, or making a meal. Don’t ask her to call you if “there’s anything you can do for her.” Believe me, she won’t call you. Instead, tell her what you would like to do for her with her permission. Ask her what day and time would be convenient for her. This lets her know you are sincere rather than merely saying something “nice.” Routine daily tasks are hard to focus on when one is grieving and adjusting.  Lift a load if you are able. Does she have children? Could you take them on a fun outing? Even a little help makes a difference. I had been caregiving nonstop for a quite a while before my husband entered Heaven and was immediately overwhelmed with how many things had been put on the “back burner.” I wanted to hug anyone who helped in even small ways. 

It’s a helpless feeling when we feel the sorrow of a friend or loved one with our hearts. It is true that only God can heal a wounded heart. However, while we are powerless to take the sorrow from those we love, we can do much to mitigate the pain during the fragile time of grief by simply sharing the burden with them. Smiles and hugs won’t cost a thing, but they will send a powerful and comforting message, “You are not alone. You are loved.” Nothing acts as a balm for grief like being loved—genuinely. Afterall, it is what God Himself does for His children and what He teaches His children to do for others. 

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  (1 Corinthians 1:3-4)

By Hada Sainz Ruiz

My name is Hada Sainz Ruiz. I live in Tijuana, Mexico and am a Mexican citizen. It is a privilege for me to talk to you a little bit about the beautiful work that God has done and has continued to do in my life since my husband’s death in 2014 at the age of 47.

The gospel came into my life when I was about 9 years old when a preacher came to my town in Sinaloa, Mexico. Salvation reached my family when God, in His infinite mercy, promised that a missionary would come to teach us. There, for the first time, I heard the missionary work of bringing the gospel to others as God shaped my life for his purpose.

Due to family circumstances, my parents decided to move to and live in Tijuana, BC, so we left Sinaloa.  It was not easy to experience something new and unknown, but God had everything under his control. When we arrived, my mother sought for a church to attend, and God led her to the mission of Brother Pizano. There I was able to serve by teaching children and going out to testify.  It was something I enjoyed a lot because the city was surrounded by hills.  I remember visiting the city situated in a canyon where travel was difficult due to the lack of ppavement and abundance of mud. Whenever it rained, it was especially difficult to enter.  However, despite the location, God saved many people over time, and we were able to establish a church.

In 1990, we arrived at our church, Open Door Baptist Church.  God led us there, and I met a special young man who would become my husband.  Humberto and I united our lives in 1993 and began serving the Lord together. We started a mission in the city of Tijuana, and for five years we worked to carry out the gospel.  By the grace of God, a church was established and our first girl Merary was born. God led my husband’s heart to take the gospel elsewhere, so he traveled to Baja California Sur where he saw many people lost without God and no churches. Therefore, in 1999, we went to Ciudad Constitucion, BCS, without knowing how it was and what awaited us.  We went forward knowing and trusting our God.  It brought to my mind the way Abraham came out to an unknown land.  It was in this mission that our second son Angel Nathanael was born. We worked in this mission for nine years.  After nine years, leaving this beautiful church was painful, but our Lord had other plans for us.

In 2009, we returned to Tijuana. We were going through difficult times in both our individual and married lives, and the pastor advised us to take some time to rest. My husband was struggling a lot in his personal life with hurtful temptations, and I was praying fervently for God to bring him to repentance and to reveal His will for his life. However, he refused to come back to God. In 2014, after many afflictions, struggles, discouragement, and time away from God and from our family, my husband died suddenly of a heart attack.   

Humberto was in another city when I was notified. It was horrible, painful, and disconcerting. I said to God, “I had prayed and begged You for him; why did You take him from me? Why have You left me alone?”  I loved him. I saw my children, cry and suffer. They loved their father, and I cried out to God, “What I’m going to do?”  I looked at my future, so uncertain, confused, and hopeless.

The loss of my husband left me with such deep pain and a void that neither prayer nor reading the Word comforted me. I watched such happy couples who lived in worse sins and did not know God. They were together, but I no longer had my husband. In my heart I told God, “God we were serving You together. We worked for You, and this is how You treated me?”  My anger and resentment was great so I began to fight with God.  For several months I cried.  I couldn’t sleep well.  I was trying to find answers to my pain because I imagined God did that to me.  I also had to take care of my children.  My daughter was 20 years old and my son was 13.  They needed me, but I couldn’t even take care of myself because I was thinking only of my own pain. 

One night after two months of suffering and fighting with God, I grew tired of the situation. I got down on my knees next to my bed, crying without being able to speak, with only two thoughts.  One was that I would leave God and His way and live my own way.  I believed the lie that it is not worth serving Him because I had been left alone.  On the other hand, although I did not understand why it happened and what God was doing, I thought about holding on to his promises.  I decided I will trust Him.  It was an important life-changing decision, and with a broken heart, I surrendered to God.  I prayed to Him and said, “Lord, I do not understand why, but I only throw myself into Your arms, leaving my life in Your hands.”  I don’t know how to explain to you the peace that came into my life at that moment.  My eternal Father took me in His hands and filled my heart with comfort.

My God is shaping my life for his purpose. I went to talk to my pastor and I said to him, “Pastor, I want to return to my God.  Is there a place for me to serve as a widow?  I am happy serving.  That’s the only thing I can do.” Pastor said, “Let us pray, and God will show you what to do.”  That’s what I did.  Sisters, let me tell you that God soon answered.  After two days had passed, the pastor call me and said, “Hada, can you come to the office?  I have something to tell you.”  

When I arrived at the church, our pastor told me that the church family wanted to take me on as a missionary and wanted to support me financially.  I was overjoyed!  God is wonderful!  What an amazing way of working! However, I still had to wait to see where God wanted to use me.  A short time later, a sister asked me to go with her to a rehabilitation center in Tijuana because she had a friend struggling with addiction.  It was the first time I visited this kind of place, but God gave me a love and a burden for the people.  I discussed this with our pastor and the pastor agreed this would be a good place for me to serve. That’s how I started working in this ministry that is now called “Open Hands.” I work in four different centers, providing Bible studies and caring for individual needs. One center is for teens, one for women and the other two for children. We work with the foster children in the shelters who were taken by the government to those places because their parents abused them or left them for their addictions. It has been a blessing to see workers, as well as the residents coming to receive the Lord as their Savior and come to church.

When I first began to think about this ministry I told my Lord, “I will serve You with all my heart.  I don’t have a car, nor a lot of money, but that will not prevent me from serving You.”  Now, when I see women and children accept Christ and have hope to change it is the most beautiful reward.  To this day, I am still able to continue to bring them the gospel, as well as food, clothing, or anything they need. There is so much to do, and God continues to work every day. My desire is to do the will of God. I am being asked to help more groups, but I have limited time and ability. My heart longs to do more and is my prayer.

Sisters, you have gone through this pain of losing your husbands.  God wants to do something beautiful in your life. He has a perfect plan in your loss. I was not able to see what was ahead for my children and me by trusting God.  Now I can see.  Now I can understand that even if I don’t have my husband, I can still serve and do something for God. My son is now in Bible college and my daughter is working and doing well. I have a full and meaningful life even though I am alone as a widow.  By His love and grace, I want to use all my strength with all my heart by giving my life to His service. God has a place for you, too.  Hold on!  Grasp his promises!  Believe God!  He knows what He is doing. Allow God to work!  I hope this testimony can be a blessing and help for you. 

In the love of Christ, 

Hada Sainz

My grandmother used to say, “Don’t get sick. It’s not good for you!” I agree. But if you do get sick, it sure is good to be surrounded by loving, praying people! I was snuggled up on the couch with my pillow and fluffy blanket this evening enjoying a Facetime call that included most my grandchildren, our two grown kids and my cousin all at the same time, everyone’s phones connected. What marvels of technology! It was fun listening to the laughter, enjoying the company, and just sharing a loving time—even though coughing and not talking as much as usual. A merry heart truly is a good medicine. The wonderful thing about family (and close friends) is that they aren’t bothered if you haven’t felt up to putting on make-up or doing much with the hair! I’m feeling some better, but definitely still in that “undone, comfort” mode. Hopefully, Lord willing, I’ll be up to teaching on zoom from home on Sunday, in which case I promise I’ll get dressed and “made-up!” 

I’ve talked with doctors and health care providers every day this week as they have worked to keep me stable and out of the hospital. Because I have asthma and something called Alpha-1 (a rare, genetic (inherited) condition that produces abnormal antitrypsin genes), I’ve had some trouble with low oxygen saturation numbers that have been wildly erratic. But today I stayed above 90 for the first time, so am encouraged things may be going in the right direction. I’m so thankful for the cutting-edge doctors that I have been given and for the skillful way they have been providing treatment. I’ve been taking part in a UCLA clinical trials program for Alpha-1 research so I’ve been blessed to have the best researchers and pulmonologists anyone could hope for. I believe the Lord has had something to do with this! Just yesterday I learned that a fellow Alpha-1 gal I’ve been talking to every month for the past year lost her battle with complications and passed away. It’s a sobering reminder how fragile life can be, and how important it is to live every day for eternity, whether we are sick or well, young or old.

In spite of all the usual Covid symptoms, the one thing I haven’t had any problem with at all is tasting and smelling. Chocolate and coffee are medicinal, and I’ve been able to enjoy all the wonderful food that friends have dropped off for me. I was only nauseated for a few days, so it’s been a huge blessing not having to be concerned about food preparation when you feel so awful. If I were making food for myself, I would probably be eating cereal 3 times a day! Rest assured, friends have made sure I’m eating healthy, and I’m feeling quite spoiled. Looking forward to when I can give hugs instead of waves!

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)