Should I be Happy or Sad on the Anniversary of Tom’s Death?

Three years ago today, my beloved husband quietly slipped out of this life and into the sunlight of a very real place called Heaven. We don’t tend to remember a day associated with sadness and death with a party spirit. At least, I don’t. However, we can remember it with thankfulness to the Lord for all the many promises and truths that do bring great joy and comfort to our hearts. Because of Christ, Tom lives, and I will see him again someday. Although the separation of widowhood is difficult and we miss Tom terribly, the anticipation of entering that beautiful city God has prepared for those who are His own excites me. We will be together again with loved ones, and that is something to rejoice about, especially on a day like today. However, this happy thought does not erase every sad part of living in this very imperfect world. So how do we reconcile this seemingly impossible reality?

As I think back and ponder what I could share concerning the day of Tom’s homegoing that would be an encouragement to others, I find myself wanting to be careful that I do not paint a picture without the clarity that honest, but darker, shades bring. However, neither do I want to paint a garish picture dominated by dark strokes without the soft and colorful hues that make the picture truly beautiful. So, while the topic has its dark sadness, my desire is to construct a picture for you that reflects the light and genuine beauty of God’s enduring grace. Jesus didn’t come to make our life in this world painless and trouble free–He came to deliver us from the darkness of this world. “Who gave himself for our sins, that he might deliver us from this present evil world, according to the will of God and our Father:” (Galatians 1:4) As those who have been forgiven and adopted into God’s family, we look for a new world where death and sorrow will not exist at all. Meanwhile, we are royalty in training, pilgrims on a journey, runners in a race and soldiers fighting a war that has a triumphant end. This means we need to learn how to live all of life, with its joys and sorrows, in the strength and yes, joy, of the Lord. It’s possible, by the grace of God!

The separation from loved ones at the time of death isn’t an event we can orchestrate to our liking—it happens in a variety of ways under differing circumstances and there are no “perfect” deaths. Of course, like many people, I’d prefer to go in my sleep without any earthly drama whatsoever, but even that has its downside! Better to acknowledge what we already know in our hearts and determine we will leave all of it in the hands of our Lord Jesus, who gives and takes back the breath of life on His terms. He has ways of mitigating our sorrow that we could never think up on our own and ways of drawing us close and directing our steps when our minds are unable to see through the haze. God’s unseen hand is often more clearly apparent after the fact than in the moment. The important thing for us to remember is that God’s timing is perfect, and His grace sufficient in every situation, no matter what the difficulties or imperfections. There is both purpose and sustaining strength to meet the challenges of this life-changing event called death—no matter how it happens or under what unpleasant circumstances.

We approach the departure of our believing loved ones very differently than God does. We see it as the end, whereas He sees it as the true beginning. We are saying good-by, but He is saying hello. We see a lifeless body scared with the effects of age, sickness and deterioration. He sees a resurrected body as it was meant to be, ready to live with Him forever. We see our loved one fading away alone, but God sees him coming into view as he enters Heaven’s gate among the cheers of those who are welcoming him home. For us it is a sad time of loss, but for Heaven it is a happy time of gain. It is why the Psalmist declares, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” (Psalm 116:) While rethinking our perspective will not remove the challenges of living alone in this life, it will remove the morbid despair that characterizes the experience of those without hope or help that comes from God. When we make the switch between an earthly perspective to a Heavenly one, we are refreshed with a happy anticipation of what lies ahead, not dread.

Death is not something we need to be afraid of—but it is something we need to be prepared for. When we know Christ as our Savior and our fellowship is unbroken by willful rebellion, we can walk in the light of His presence and know He “has this.” Every bit of it. “For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death.” (Psalm 48:14) This truth is the anchor of our souls that will provide a treasure chest of comforts that we are able to access in any dark moment or perplexing problem. What an amazing thing to read that our Savior “daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.” (Psalm 68:19) One of those benefits is the daily bearing of our burdens. I can’t imagine going through the loss of a husband and the sorrows of widowhood without the blessings and joys of walking with Christ, dependent upon His never failing goodness!

As I reread the posts I wrote in the days that marked the end of Tom’s journey on earth, I relived the emotions and the surreal sense of imminent loss that is present as you watch life begin to fade away. (www.trumpetlungs.wordpress.com – January, 2018) In those closing moments of Tom’s life, and our life together, I wanted to grasp the full impact of what I knew was taking place and wanted to remember everything. The profound significance of it all made me want to slow things down so I could process each new development and not miss anything. My heart was overflowing with a million thoughts and concerns, but ultimately it was the renewed realization that I was powerless to change the course of events and could do nothing more than rest in the care of He who has our lives in His loving hands.

End of life events have a powerful emotional and spiritual impact on the soul, and this can produce a confusing mix of emotions. What I didn’t know then but understand better now is that it takes a long time to sort through the whole experience. Then begins the hard work of reorienting one’s self to a permanent new reality. It is actually something we all experience on a less drastic scale when we face any life altering event that turns our world upside down. I believe the way we learn to “go with the flow” and yield to the Lord’s work in our lives on an everyday basis greatly impacts the way we will yield our lives when the Lord calls us or a loved one home. It’s a “dress rehearsal” of sorts for the most major upheaval we will ever experience. 

The realities of death tend to make the contents of our hearts bubble to the surface. Some people kick and scream at death’s door like a two-year-old having a tantrum. Others play the “I’ll pretend it’s not there” game to the end, while still others use death and loss as an excuse to live in the mud hole of self-pity for the rest of their lives. Ah but there are some who run into their Heavenly Father’s arms and find comfort for their broken hearts in His love and compassion and accept, truly accept, what He has allowed. These are the survivors, the victors who win their race. I decided long ago that I want to be among these! They are dependent on Christ–not independent of Him. So . . . this is the path I have chosen, and I have absolutely no regrets. I would not trade my peace with the frantic hand wringing or anxious nights of those who are leaving out an intimate walk with Jesus. Has it been hard? Yes, without a doubt. But no one wins a race without hard work and determination. The prize is at the end of the race, not the beginning. 

Is there sadness on the anniversary of Tom’s death? Yes. I miss him. But is there joy and happiness? Yes! There is abundant joy and hope beyond comprehension, particularly when I direct my thoughts and attention on the picture as a whole.

As for me, I will behold thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness. (Psalms 17:15)