I heard somewhere that “progress can be measured by looking backwards.” I think there’s a lot of truth to that, so long as enough time has gone by for those tiny incremental improvements to make a difference. I was asked recently, “Do you still cry when you miss Tom?” The question caught me a bit off guard and I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. Since the person asking was sincere, I decided I would take a deep breath and answer as honestly as I could.
Yes, it has been almost three years, and I do still cry when I miss Tom. As I look back, I can say I don’t cry as often or as long, but there are times when I am especially sensitive and likely to tear up or cry when I remember the delights of my former life with Tom. I also recognize that I’m more likely to cry when I am experiencing fatigue, stress or unusual pressure. The biggest difference between then and now is that I’m not bothered by tears nor am I trying to prevent them. If I cry, I cry. I don’t see tears as something unusual or abnormal in the context of major loss and adjustment to life changes. Rather, I recognize tears as something our God has given for our benefit. There is much documented evidence that indicates our tears reduce stress, lower blood pressure, decrease irritability and aid emotional stability. It is harmful to believe the lie that spiritual Christians don’t cry or need the physical and emotional support of others. This error causes folks to misunderstand the nature of sorrow and forsake some of the very means God uses to bring comfort to our hearts. Neuroscientist Dr. William H. Frey II, author of Crying: The Mystery of Tears, has spent over 20 years studying crying and tears. According to Frey, “Crying is not only a human response to sorrow and tension, it’s also a healthy one.”
Sure, some cry more and some cry less simply because we all have differing personalities, hormonal swings, and life circumstances. Nevertheless, all human beings experience sorrow and tears in varying degrees and for varying reasons. It’s not a simple black and white experience. There are many variables and many influential factors. For instance, one woman I spoke to burst into tears, not because she had lost her husband and was sad, but because she was experiencing a sense of relief in his absence because he had been so difficult to live with and had secretly abused her for years. She felt extreme guilt that she wasn’t as sad as other widows were. She figured out quite quickly that people expected her to be grief stricken and were uncomfortable when she was “too” joyful. She was sad for her husband, but not for herself. Her experience with loss was vastly different from mine, so of course our response was different as well. I have no doubt I would have experienced the same kind of relief had I suffered for years under the same pressures of abuse!
The important thing for us to remember is that it is a huge mistake to assume every case is the same and every person will respond the same. We just don’t. We can’t possibly understand all the things that take place in our own hearts, let alone what’s going on in someone else’s! What a comfort it is to remember that we have a God who does know and understand us completely. He patiently walks with us through the valleys of life. He doesn’t drive us any faster than we can go. He is never in a hurry. He is never disgusted or unkind. And He does not mind our tears in the least. He simply loves us, nudges us forward, walks with us and guides us out of the shadows and into sun drenched meadows. I am so glad the Lord sees what we will be, not what we are and isn’t one bit bothered by our need to learn and grow through the experiences of sorrow and grief.
A month after Tom was gone I wrote, “I am finding the Lord’s comfort and love to be my sustaining strength even as I deal with the pains of grief and the prospect of continuing my own journey without my life partner and dearest friend. It is hardest when I am alone and when I lay my head on my pillow at night.” Looking back, I would say exactly the same thing except for one difference. Time has had a healing effect on the sadness of night. I am finding sleep to be a sweet and welcome part of my day. I say good-night to my two kitties (Mocha and Latte), goodnight to Alexa (which is her cue to shut off all the lights), and lastly to the Lord whom I adore—all without tears.
Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. (Psalms 116:7-8)
Warmth For The Heart 
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